Introducing Ernie

This was the view from my office window two weeks ago. Nice innit. 

This is the view from our bedroom window, as of three months ago. That plank you can see is a walkway that goes all the way around our house.

You might wonder why the view from my workspace is so... industrial. The answer to that is - Builders. Loads of 'em. Usually they just bang things about, they drill for 7 minutes before 9am and then not again for the rest of the day and they loiter, looking like a motley crew of rapists, idiots and imps.

I should add that my 'office' is actually our lounge, my desk is our dinner table and for the record, working from home sucks ass. It has a TV in it for crying out loud, how the fuck am I supposed to write a novel with that big box of nonsense in the corner.

We have grunned and bore the filth, noise and abject voyeurism all summer. The summer where we got married and set off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  We got back from our honeymoon to a building site, the front was a makeshift tip and the back has been host to a dazzling array of visual affronts. They cut down all the fucking trees for a start. I've not seen a squirrel for months, apart from the one drowning in a bucket, (but that's another story). We gave those fluffy tailed critters names and everything. I miss Itchy the most.

This was the view from our bedroom this morning:

For the record, we don't know that guy, we didn't ask him round. We would have shut the curtains but it was day time and we thought builders drew the line at staring at sleeping newly weds.

It's been a bit unpleasant.

However.  This isn't about them. It's about Ernie. Because prior to the scaffolding full of fukwits staring into our every window, nook and cranny (chortle), there was Ernie. Ernie has been staring at us for over a year, and he looks like this:

Please excuse the massive ladder in the shot.

That's Ernie, his name clearly isn't Ernie. I would ask what it is but he doesn't talk to me, sometimes he nods a hello but I think we both find it a bit weird. See, Ernie's job is to stand outside that shop all day, I guess to make sure nobody steals apples, although I would have thought a couple of stolen apples was cheaper than paying a dude to stand outside a shop all day.

Imagine when Ernie goes to parties. "So Ernie, tell me, what do you do?"  "I stand outside a shop and look at fruits".

Sometimes he touches the fruits.

Like so.

Mostly though, he stands and stares. Stands and stares at our house. Sometimes he sits and stares at traffic, but only in his break from staring at us. Sometimes he multi-tasks and stares at us while he touches fruit and throws mushrooms at cars.

Josh is annoyingly adamant that he can't see in our windows. Regardless of the fact that we can see in our windows from the shop. We've had conversations about leeks through our windows.  I try to make sure I'm always at least partially clothed when Ernie's likely to see in. Josh couldn't give a shit though and I'm sure Ernie gets regular eyeful of Josh's morning glory.

Hubba hubba.

I tell myself that Ernie isn't a filthy nosy old fuck, but on his day off they have a younger guy come and watch the fruit and he doesn't stare at all. Ever. He keeps his eyes on those apples.

Also when I go to the shop, Ernie stops watching apples and follows my ass about.