web in eye = spider on back

As you may have gathered from previous posts, Hawaii is a haven for spiders. Spiders like coffee farms for their rows of trees from which to make nests, their warm cabins from which to hang and a constant and quality supply of screaming women to terrify. Here are the main spiders we had to deal with.

Up first and by far the most prolific is the Crab Spider. At first I thought Crab Spiders were very big, but very timid. I thought they were rolled in to a ball to hide. Turns out they just have laughably little legs. Ha Ha Ha little legged spider, you're not scary at all.
Of all the spiders, however, they make the stickiest, biggest, most incredible webs, and they make them everywhere. I also began to suspect that Crab Cpiders and coffee tree mites were in cahoots, because where there were many spiders, there seemed to be many mites. I rehoused approximately 25,000 of these little buggers in my time at the farm. Some of them got emergency housing in my hair. They have since been moved on. They look like this.

awww.

pretty

They are, by the way, about the size of a peanut. Totally tolerable.

















Next up, and also reasonably prolific, is the Hawaiian Gardener Spider. These guys are worth a look if only because they look exactly like X-Men. They are shiny bodied and black legged and they hang about in a very tightly defined X shape. Here is a photo I didn't take because it's hard to take photos of spiders:

This picture makes it look way worse than it is. For a start they are not this 3D in real life, they hang really flat. Also, they are about the size of a MacDonalds' burger (just the patty*) absolute maximum and usually much smaller. Here's a picture Josh took of two hanging out in the greenhouse.

 

shiny

I got used to Gardener Spiders because they don't get up to much, the major downside of them, compared to Crab Spiders though, is that their webs are practically invisible so you don't find out they're there until they are right in your f*cking eye. And the worst thing about that happening is that when there's web in your eye you can be confident that there's spider on your back.


Lastly and most atrociously, the Cane Spider. Look at this monster:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

According to everyone who isn't scared of spiders, these guys are fine, they don't bite unless they are deeply distraught. To that I say 'SO FUCKING WHAT IF THEY BITE? IF THAT THING IS ON MY BACK I AM GOING TO SHIT ON THE FLOOR.'

Cane Spiders seem to mostly hang out in darkened corners of rooms like the shower and toilet. Luckily for me I guess. They really test that old adage 'they are more scared of you than you are of it'. I find that hard to believe because if it were true that Cane Spider would be clinging to some dude clutching a broom and crying. And it's not, it's just sitting there, in the shower, looking like a furry death cage.

Seriously, their bodies are about the size of an egg, their legs vary from stout and hairy, to long and jumpy. I hate them, and I suspect they hate me.  I saw maybe 5 of these bad boys altogether, until our last day of work when we had to move about 30 massive sheets of corrugated iron. Evidently when Cane Spiders are not getting damp and terrorising washers, they are hanging out with lizards in corrugated iron. Holy fuck batman. We saw at least a million of them, at least 10 per sheet, at least. Here, have another look at photos I didn't take (too busy screaming and doing the GetOffMe dance)

So it was with heavy heart that we left Hawaii (eventually, blog pending), but there's a certain spring in my step knowing that my tan, early mornings, sugary food and these critters got left behind (I hope, OH MY GOD IS IT ON MY BACK?)

Aloha.



* I HATE the word 'patty'.