Morning people

In my new capacity as Team Assistant for a corporate branding agency (shut it) I have discovered a secret world. It's a quiet, well turned-out world but it could flip out and kill you at the drop of a hat.

After (let's call it) 5 years of freelancing I am back at the grindstone with the morning people.

If you're anything like me you probably don't deal with the morning people, you probably didn't even know they were there, but they are there, every morning, and they are bananas.

Morning people above ground wear fluro and zip about with their feet locked to their pedals (really? Is that wise?). They carry tissues in their sleeves. They masturbate in vans and they tut, a lot. They worry, they yell and they stink.

They live for the weekend, they were born in suits, they go shopping as if it counts as a hobby. They drink instant coffee at seminars and they save up to go on holiday once a year. Poor bastards.

Morning people are for sale, they make deals, they care about things and get shouty about them. They get building work done and they wait for plumbers (they actually wait for plumbers though, they didn't make it up).  1 in 20 has a banging hangover and is usually my favourite. None of them are Jack Donaghy, ever. But that's to be expected because he's in a town car, in New York and I am not.

Were real morning people ever young? What did they wear at university? Did they wear slacks and T-shirts, did they wear flip flops and cargo shorts? I bet they did. What did they do at the weekend?

Morning people still talk about that stag night, it was the best weekend EVER. The one where they made Steve wear a dress for the duration. The one where Gary puked in the first class carriage on the London to Brighton train so they all had to sit with the plebs (they bought first class tickets, they do shit in style).

Their passwords are the names of their first born. What did they talk about before they had kids? What do they do when they've finished the paper on Saturday morning, when they've left the cafe without tipping 'Service IS included you know' It's not included, fuck face, it's part of the wage. Pounds you leave on the table get spent in bars by waitresses who tip bartenders because they know how it feels.

Morning people go camping on bank holidays. Camping, not festivals.

I'm one of them now, with my Metro under my arm. I live for the weekends and like bank holidays. I have an MP3 player and tie my hair up. I tutted when a lady fainted on the train. Man up fuck nuts I'm late. I walk on up the escalators and wear a blazer. My business lunches don't have any booze in. I don't mind the morning people yet, they are still a novelty to me. I am still just visiting their world and it's funny.

7am though, still nothing funny about that fucking clown.